For many years it feels like I have struggled with social anxiety on and off to some degree. Sure, there have been many times that have been awesome being with friends, but there have been a lot of times that have been anything but. The feeling of wanting to socialise and be around others but also wanting to be alone, or not wanting to 'intrude' in a social situation with a group of friends when no one has actually invited me along creating that feeling of unease and being unwelcome. I rarely have the confidence to just join in social situations that no one has actually invited me to even if it is friends I have all known for a while, thus I often feel so isolated from everyone I know.
I know I am not the easiest friend to have and be around, often during conversation not really knowing what to say or discuss potentially making others think I'm just not interested and don't care when in actual fact it's the complete opposite. I am very much interested in having conversations with friends and sometimes I care too much because lately a few people who I considered friends have simply turned their backs on me and now hate me for unknown reasons. If I am talking to you and trying to keep a conversation going, albeit poorly, and my responses sometimes come across as short and blunt, I do not intend to be rude or show disinterest, I simply do not know what to say next. My social skills are abysmal at times and I feel this has created distance between myself and those I care about to the point that now I feel like I only really have 2 close friends, so it's usually a struggle trying to ever organise a time to hang out and do something.
I am sorry for often being a shit friend, being moody and angry, silent during chats, not putting in enough effort to catch up from time to time. I just don't know how to overcome this constant feeling of one minute wanting to catch up with friends and then the next wanting nothing more than to lie in bed alone with a beer.
